It is a 44-foot court.
Regulation. Measured twice by Gary.
Vol. 04 — Spring Sanctioning
Respect the kitchen
Neighborhood league. Championship attitude. Equipment for people who have never once described a match as just for fun.
- Wind
- 4 mph, cross-court
- Surface
- Dry. No excuses.
- Opponent
- 61 years old. Undefeated.
- Stakes
- Absolute
Engineered for unnecessary intensity. That ball was out. The line is the line.
The Manifesto
001/004
It is a plastic ball.
Twenty-six holes. Twenty-six variables.
It is a Tuesday.
6:15 p.m. Sun in your eyes. Still no excuse.
It is everything.
Play accordingly.
The Arsenal
Four items. All of them necessary.
-
Tournament Legal* Court Dominator 3000
Men's 16mm Carbon Face Paddle
$189.00
$210.0010% off -
Just In The Aggressive Dinker
Soft-Game Control Paddle
$164.00
-
Board Approved Official HOA Tournament Balls
Outdoor 40-Hole — 3 Pack
$18.00
-
Settles Arguments Line Judge Optics
Polarised Dispute Eyewear
$95.00
*Legal in our league. Our league is four courts behind the community centre and we wrote the rules ourselves.
Article I — The Kitchen Doctrine
Engineered for unnecessary intensity
Enter the leagueThe Numbers
Independently verified by us.
- 0 ft
- Of fiercely contested territory
- 0 min
- Average length of a line dispute
- 0
- Officials present, ever
- 0+
- Registered neighbourhood rivalries
2026 Season
The Roster
Nobody here is sponsored. Everybody here behaves as though they are.
Rankings
Updated whenever Gary says so
Appeals are heard at the potluck. Bring a dish.
Replay
Instant Replay — Angle 02
Was it in?
Scroll to advance the tape. Take your time. Everyone else has already stopped playing and walked over. Watch it again. Nobody has agreed on it yet, and nobody intends to.
- Frame
- 000
- Speed
- 0.25×
- Status
- Reviewing
The Rulebook
Six questions we are asked at the net.
What, exactly, is the kitchen?
A seven-foot zone on either side of the net that you may not volley from. It is also a state of mind, a moral boundary, and the single most litigated seven feet in your postcode.
Is the Court Dominator 3000 too much paddle for me?
Yes.
Do you sell to people who play casually?
We sell to everyone. We simply cannot promise the equipment will respect you. The paddle knows.
What is your returns policy?
Thirty days, unworn, in original packaging. Returns citing "a bad call in the third" are reviewed individually and, historically, denied.
Are you affiliated with any official governing body?
No. They are not affiliated with us either, which we consider the more interesting oversight.
Someone said my serve was illegal. Was it?
Almost certainly not. Send them our Rulebook, printed on card stock, weighted for impact.
Registration — Spring
Dink
responsibly
Membership is free, unserious to apply for, and taken with total gravity thereafter. You will be assigned a rival within the week.